Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
