I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
