I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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