remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
