Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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