I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
