Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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