If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
