Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
