i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
