I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
