My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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