Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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