my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
