So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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