Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
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my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
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my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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