Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
