I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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