Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
