Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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