You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
