dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
