i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
