dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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