i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
so much tequila, so little girl.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
