I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
