am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
