kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
