I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize