So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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