tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
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its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
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I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize