Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
