making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
