Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
it hurts more in the daytime
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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