I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
