I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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