I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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