Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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