Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
