Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize