whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
