So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
