Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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