i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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