I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
