i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
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I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
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just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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