Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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