i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
