your room smells of hookers.
And success
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I looked at my own cervix.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
