There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
