i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
