please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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