So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
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Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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