Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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