Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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