It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
