I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
