I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
