Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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