My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
