Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Boobs are out for the taking
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
