Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
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we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
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He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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